If about 50 percent of women in midlife experience a plunge in libido (which is what studies show), that leaves another 50 percent who don’t. Like Ann. "My libido has always been on the high side," acknowledges Ann, a 50-year-old documentary maker and artist. Not only does she have a healthy sexual appetite, but also what she calls a "turned-on response" to life in general.
Ann is an ardent nature lover, and takes every opportunity to hike, bike, swim, sail, and be out in the elements. "I hoot and holler a little bit more than people who aren’t quite as passionate," she says. She also channels her energy into her work, creating award-winning documentaries as well as drawing, painting, and making collages.
Unfortunately, says Ann, "Even with a strong libido, my sex life is not without peril." She explains that her husband of 18 years has always had much less interest in sex than she has, reversing the roles of many couples. "In general, I’m the badgerer," she says.
Ann works hard at not taking her husband's lack of interest personally, and takes care to avoid the trap of negative self-speak ("I’m oversexed, a nymphomaniac"). She also uses playfulness and a sense of humor to ask her husband for more responsiveness. "One of the things that’s good for me is making sure that my spouse knows that sex is a part of what makes me happy," she says.
Ann respects her husband’s lack of desire, though, and has found other avenues of sexual satisfaction. "For me, self-pleasure is a necessity. I learned that there are resources that can help keep your fantasy life going—Kundalini yoga, the Kama Sutra,?says Ann. "This has taken a lot of pressure off my husband."
Another facet of Ann’s situation is that she’s now taking an antidepressant, and is experiencing a common side effect: "It’s knocked my libido out," she says. Ann and her doctor are searching for an antidepressant (or a combination of the drugs) that works for her without affecting her sex drive, but they haven’t found it yet.
In the meantime, although Ann feels frustration, "The good news is that my husband and I are now on a more harmonious playing field," she says. "The friction that was there from the disparity in our desires is gone, and so there is a certain pleasure—one that’s distinctly different from sexual pleasure--in this absence of tension about intimacy."
Ann calls it a nice equalization. "I just don’t want it to go unappreciated," she says. "It’s complicated, our sexuality."
Carol Weeg is a freelance health, wellness, and medical writer, and yes indeed, is over 40. The newsletter Finding Our Way and now the website focus on issues that are important to women in midlife. A forum is provided where women can share feedback, ideas, advice, and their own experiences. http://www.findingourway.com