The University of Michigan's Institute for Research on Women and Gender recently released a study that revealed working women will volunteer to work a "second shift" as primary parent that's equal to the time spent by full-time stay-at-home moms. In videotaped negotiations with their husbands, these working moms agreed to spend nearly three times more hours per week on child care than their husbands, in addition to working outside the home. As a result, working moms are prone to more stress and role conflict compared to their husbands.
While this study didn't come as a huge surprise, I did find validation in what I've felt since first becoming a working mom - my job doesn't end when I check out of the office. My second shift as Chief Mom kicks in within minutes of me shutting down my computer each day.
Here's how I manage the stress of the second shift and figured out how to negotiate a workable second shift with my husband:
#1 Be clear about what you want. Part of my problem was in articulating what I really wanted. I complained to my husband, and whoever else would listen, about feeling tired, stressed out and frustrated, yet I rarely communicated what I wanted. After some thought, I realized I didn't know precisely what I wanted, so I took some time to imagine my ideal day to gain some clarity. Here are some questions I asked myself:
In my ideal work+life situation...
-- Where am I?
-- What kind of work am I doing?
-- Where do I receive support?
-- How much time do I have for me, family, career and other roles in my life and what am I doing during these times?
Next, I compared this ideal to my current situation and, for the first time, I was able to clearly see what I want most from my work+life.
#2 Listen with an open mind and a closed mouth. We often listen with the intent to respond, which makes it difficult for us to truly hear what is being said because we're too consumed by what we'll say back!
I'm pretty good at listening when it comes to my work. As a coach and writer, I'm paid to listen to what my clients' needs are and to hear subtle "callings" that will help move them forward. Yet these necessary skills are sometimes forgotten when it comes to my husband and kids, and this thoughtlessness warms the flames of misunderstanding and resentment.
When I'm conscious of my listening skills, it's amazing what I hear. Instead of hearing a child screaming for no apparent reason, I hear a little person who wants desperately to be hugged and acknowledged. Instead of hearing my husband trying to fix me or solve my problems, I hear a man who loves me beyond reason and who wants nothing but to see me happy.
While knowing what you want gives you clarity, listening is the gateway to understanding, which fertilizes the ground you'll need to negotiate what you want.
#3 Get it or ask for it. It takes small, consistent actions to negotiate a second shift that works for you. Don't feel pressured to get all your needs and wants met immediately. Most change takes time, especially when you and your family are caught in a certain pattern of behavior.
Here’s one way to get started:
-- Select one thing you’d like to see done differently in the next 30 days. My “one thing?was to get rid of the feeling that I was raising my kids alone after work.
-- Be specific in your request. I asked my husband to share in the after-work parenting duties like dinner, bath time, bedtime, etc. It was important that we co-parent in the evenings, rather than having me, or him, simply exchange responsibilities. I also asked my kids to help by putting away their dishes after dinner and helping each other prepare for bedtime.
-- Be flexible. There are definitely days when I take on the majority of the parenting compared to my husband. It doesn’t bother me because most days we’re sharing in the responsibilities and I’m reminded that having a family isn’t about keeping score of who did what and when. I keep my eye on the ultimate goal, which is to have a healthy and vibrant life for myself and my family, one step at a time.
Michele Dortch is the Founder of The Integrated Mother, a support and resource provider for women struggling to manage career and motherhood. Visit http://www.integratedmother.com to sign up for FREE work+life tips.