Even the most passionate and committed relationship has moments when the partners disagree. No two human beings ever see eye-to-eye on everything. Over time, we even disagree with ourselves because our outlook on the world changes as we grow and mature and age.
In the beginning of a partnership, it seems, for a brief moment, that we have everything in common. We can't initially believe that we have actually found someone who is so "simpatico." We focus on the areas that we share, endlessly discussing mutual interests and tastes. Any areas of divergence are quickly skirted and pushed into the background as unimportant trivialities.
As we live together for a longer period of time, our differences continue to surface and can no longer be totally ignored. Ask any couple to list some things their partner does that annoy them and several items are sure to appear. Sometimes our partner does things that are so irritating that we get angry and start arguing. We are socially programmed to be competitive so to try to win the argument, we marshal all the supporting evidence we can find.
And because we are two different individuals, there will always be some support we can muster to prove our point. How often, in the middle of a spat, do we say "And another thing. . ." It has nothing to do with our current disagreement, but it's trotted out to bolster our conviction that we are right and our partner is wrong.
A good and fruitful argument is one that is focused on one topic and where some conclusion can be reached by both parties, even if only to agree to disagree. A destructive argument has no focus. It's all over the place and involves so many aspects of our relationship that it can never be neatly resolved.
When the defensiveness of us all steps in; when every pet peeve and perceived petty slight is poured onto the coals, a disconnect is born that may never be satisfactorily settled. To thwart that personal defensiveness and rancor, we need to step back and remind ourselves, and each other, about the values and activities we do share.
We need to voice our devotion to each other that goes far beyond the few differences that separate us. In the middle of a full blown verbal fight, stating our love and appreciation of other aspects of our partner can diffuse the anger and pain and remind both of us of our priorities and our good fortune in finding a wonderful, long-sought partner (even if they are occasionally misguided) for the game of life.
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