Leo
Some tragic news hits you hard and makes you re-evaluate your entire life. Use this opportunity to think long and hard about the direction you are taking. It’s also a great excuse to spend a small fortune on getting absolutely slaughtered down the pub using the old ’drowning your sorrows?chestnut. Out of all bad there comes some good eh?
Virgo
A really dull month for you Virgoans, or whatever you’re called. With little money, your friends all away on holiday and no Countdown on the telly anymore, why don’t you turn your boredom into something constructive and……I dunno……invent a new board game or something. What do you mean it’s a rubbish suggestion? I’m doing my best to help! I’m just an astrologer ?I’m not Jim’ll bloody Fix It you know!!
Libra
Something will happen with something. For even more information on what the coming month has in store for you, why not phone my new premium rate telephone number at the bottom of the page! (Calls charged at just ?.50 per minute)
Scorpio
Isn’t the famine in Africa terrible? All those poor little kids with flies all over them wearing the clothes that we wore back in the 80s. It’s time to do something about it. Why not arrange a concert in a London Park, invite the world’s top musical acts, screen the whole event on worldwide TV and maybe do the same in other major countries around the world? Either that or go through your wardrobe pulling out the stuff you wouldn’t be seen dead in and take it down to Oxfam.
Sagittarius
Some unexpected news will put you in a situation where you have to make a major decision. Take your time and do what I do ?think, ‘what would Brian McFadden do??Try and imagine yourself in Brian’s position under the same circumstances. How would he handle it? What would he be thinking? Just keep Brian in your heart and mind and you’ll come out of this ok.
Capricorn
A chance meeting with an old flame brings all those old feelings flooding back and before you know it, the pair of you will be at it like Jude Law with his child care staff. Just remember though that Jude is rich and attractive - you are neither and when your partner finds out what you’ve been up to, you’ll be single and penniless for ever. So make the most of your chance encounter and phone my new premium rate ‘How To Have Mind Blowing Sex?advice line at the bottom of the page. (Calls charged at just ?.50 per minute)
Aquarius
The coming month sees the start of the new football season. My charts indicate that some Aquarians can’t wait for it whilst some can. They also indicate that it’ll be a good season for Arsenal, Chelsea or Manchester United or maybe Liverpool and that the Spice Girls may or may not get back together. Get yourself down to the bookies now!!
Pisces
You have to start cutting people a bit of slack. You have very high standards and expectancy levels and people are sometimes going to fall a little short. You have to bear this in mind ?particularly when watching the new Ricky Gervais comedy series. It was never gonna be as good as the Office was it? Although it’s still quite funny isn’t it? What about the bit in the first episode with the bloke with the big shoe? Ha! Never gonna win a Golden Globe though is it?
Aries
Just like the animal of your star sign, the ram, it’s the time of the year when you may well be pondering getting a hair cut. With all the Aries in the country rushing out to get their hair cut at the same time, no wonder they call it ‘barber queue season? Geddit? Ha! I’m bloody wasted here!
Taurus
For the last 3 months, your life has found new meaning. You’ve had something to do every night and you’ve got to know lots of new people. For the first time in memory, you’ve not been lonely. Your previously sad and pathetic existence has had a purpose. All that though is about to come to a grinding halt at the end of August. To help cope with this earth shattering trauma, why not phone my new premium rate ‘How To Cope When Big Brother Ends?helpline listed at the bottom of the page. (Calls charged at just ?.50 per minute)
Gemini
The star sign Gemini is named after Terry Nutkins?seal that used to appear on Animal Magic back in the 1980s. And just like the pop singer Seal, your career could disappear into oblivion this month if you don’t watch your back at work. Someone is out to get you. For Seal, it was Robbie Williams who came along, took over the charts and wrecked his career. So just watch out. He might seem like a cheeky chappy from Port Vale with some big tattoos, but he’s out to get ya! Robbie that is- not Terry Nutkins. Although apparently Terry does have a big tatoo saying “Club The Seal?on his midriff.
Cancer
I think there’s something wrong with these bloody star charts. That forecast I’ve done for Gemini is just total and utter blimmin?nonsense. But it can’t be my charts. They’ve never been wrong yet. It must be?.the stars themselves! Oh my god! I don’t like the way they’re aligning. Something terrible is going to happen! Don’t go out this month! Not just you Cancerons?or whatever you’re called. Everyone! Stay in doors and keep them locked. The last time the stars were aligned like this The Krankies had their own prime time TV show and Les Dennis was considered one of the best up and coming comedy talents in the country! Noooooooooooooooooooooooooo!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Your stars are available via http://www.24-7london.co.uk. They are written by a variety of people under the guise of 'Septic Peg'. 24-7 London is an online entertainment guide to London, England with a sense of humour.